Sitting B!tch

When something seems/sounds/smells/tastes/feels too good to be true, conventional thinking has conditioned us to accept that it probably is. We often start doubting ourselves when things go too well, chanting the mantra “expect the worst but hope for the best” to ourselves and anyone else that will listen. We draw on our past experiences and try to categorize our present ones, convince ourselves that it’s not this good because it hasn’t been before.

On the other hand, many of the greatest discoveries have arisen amidst endless doubts and criticisms: spam musubi, Reese’s pieces cups, deep fried pickles/oreos/twinkies/steak/mac’n cheese, paper planes, memes, box-fades, computers, college, Gushers, just to name a few. None of these would exist had the ingenuous minds given in to their callous skeptics, and we’re all better off for it. So what differentiates those that give in to the fear of failure and those that don’t?

Trust

…in themselves. The most common denominator in the inspirational messages that successful athletes, entrepreneurs, singers, etc give to their fans–Pursue your dreams and don’t ever let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. We don’t always see the details of their paths, but I can all but guarantee that it included bushels of rejections, criticisms, and urges to be more realistic and just become a lawyer or doctor #tigermoms. They continued to believe in their abilities and brains when the majority would have given up, and now they’re seen as role models (and making babies with super ones).

We’ve all made some questionable choices in a boyfriend/girlfriend, and it ultimately didn’t work out. Go ahead and blame yourself for a bit (after all, both your family and friends told you that they were bad for you at some point, right?…I kid, I kid, but it’s true), but don’t resign to the fact that you’ll always make the wrong decision, otherwise you’re selling yourself short by settling. Skittish about quitting your job to pursue a fulfilling career? That’s fair, but it doesn’t qualify inaction. Be reasonable, save up and do the proper research before you Jerry Maguire the office. Busted your knee on a snowboard jump last season? Don’t quit snow sports altogether, just understand that your body doesn’t recover like it did when you were 18…and that you probably wouldn’t have made that jump when you were 18 anyway. Jumped on the tribal armband tattoo bandwagon? Have it burned off.

We will continue to make mistakes, let’s not blow smoke up anyone’s ass. It’s one of the most important aspects of life’s experiences. The issue arises when we begin to lose trust in our convictions (ie: gut, instinct, heart) and rely too heavily on our brains (ie. incredibly flawed chemical synapses that we call “reason” or “rationale”). It is absolutely possible to over-think situations, so we need to (ironically) fight the gut reaction to let past mistakes dictate the fate of our current opportunities. Managing to balance those two sides will keep us moving forward, progressing and learning to the point that the next time we wonder if something/someone/somewhere is too good to be true, we’ll be open to the possibility that it’s actually not.

Let it go.

 

I have a compulsive need to rap along to “Ice, Ice, baby” whenever I hear it. Regardless of when, where, or with whom I’m with, something grabs a hold of me tightly and I flow like a hawk, daily or nightly. Despite being under pressure by society to denounce this lyrical beast from the 90s, everything about the song makes me smile. I’ve tried to figure out what about it triggers the pleasure chemical to release in my brain, mainly because it enables me to disregard common sense and typical shyness to channel a “fuckit” attitude. There must be a way to bottle that chemical into some magical elixir that I can peddle around the globe…

“You’ve gotta’ dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.
(And speak from the heart to be heard.)”
-William W. Purkey

It’s a great quote, harmonious and heartwarming. We see it everywhere, from bumper stickers and magnets to daily affirmation post-its that your roommate (or “roommate” if you live alone) have all over the apartment. It’s easy to agree with andbrilliantly translates self-actualization into a nice, neat package. So why can’t most of us follow through with it? Well, most of us do live like this…we’re just not any good at it yet. Though the concepts seem simple enough, subjective interpretations often result in the “what the hell was I/he/she thinking?!” reflections, days or years later.

We all have “that friend” that loves to dance to any music genre, but they’re rhythmically deficient. All the power to them, they’ve got it right…unless they decide to dance up on you or a stranger. Then we want them to start dancing like everyone else IS watching in hopes that they’ll stop hip-thrusting and gettin’ low to Celine Dion. The fact that you’re all at a party or club that’s rocking out to Celine Dion is disturbing enough, so being associatedwith Ravishing Rick Rude throws salt on the wound. Hit a club in Vegas on any given night and you’ll see plenty of people dancing like no one’s watching. They’re somewhat closer to the true practice of the quote, but it’s also because they’re inebriated or high (or both). They’ll freely grope and grind on anything that wanders into their dancing perimeter, and if it’s the bouncer or a girl with a UFC-fighter boyfriend, it’s better if they acknowledge that someone is watching.

Karaoke bars have large margins for error for our purpose here. If you karaoke with friends, there will always be the guy/girl that tries too hard to sing well. They’re posturing, it’s a power move, but often times they’re terrible singers. When someone is not a good singer but believes that they are, it’s painful for the innocent bystanders. Seriously, you’re not wearing an earpiece, stop covering your ear…it’ll allow you to hear just how shrill your songbird pipes are (PSA: parents or future ones, heed this advice: If your kid sucks at singing, be honest with them rather than let them grow up with a delusional state of reality). On the other hand, karaoke-ing byyourself is too strange. Besides, you need witnesses for your 99% score on A Whole New World, right?? Your best bet is settle for duets or group songs. It’s fun for everyone and no one takes it seriously, mostly because they can’t.

Lastly, we have this “love” thing that we all manage to misunderstand or misinterpret, mostly for our own self-preservation. No one wants the pain of heartbreak. It’s a reality that builds resilience and identifies what’s truly important to us, but it truly sucks donkey dong. So we choose to put limitations on how much we’re willing to love someone (or ourselves) in order to manage our vulnerabilities, not allowing ourselves to be hurt. It’s the safer approach, but it’s also a finite one. Having a known capacity to love drains away  much of the romanticism that intrigues and inspires us. There are plenty that take this approach, so it’s the harsh truth that we won’t always get what we’re willing to give. But we can choose to believe that someday we will. And that will be a great day.

When I was 6 years old, I insisted on wearing my favorite hoodless sweatshirt backwards because the Captain America logo was printed on the back. My parents tried to reason with me, but quickly realized that they were talking to a 6 year old. Knowing that they’d probably never understand my rationale, they decided to just accept that I was going to wear the red smock backwards. When strangers began to tell me that my sweatshirt was on backwards, I decided to turn it around. I had won the battle, but my parents had won the war. They understood how to reason with me after conceding that they would never understand me. I know, right? Pretty damn introspective for a 1st grader.

The Art of Giving Up:

If you’re pompous and/or arrogant, I won’t even try to convince you that there are things that you don’t know or understand. So you should probably just stop reading now…Arrogant people will now keep reading this…and I’ve won. See how it works?

With age comes wisdom of how much more we really don’t know or understand. We can look back and laugh at our past mistakes because we’ve learned something from them. We also know that many more mistakes lay ahead of us. Consequently, I’ve began to analyze my parents’ ingenious bait-and-switch tactic to figure out a way to apply it to my humorous life. Come with me and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination. Take a look and you’ll see into your imagination…

Humility is the key here. Accept that you’ll never understand something and you’ll reach a new level of enlightenment. It applies to just about everything, such as dealing with high-maintenance friends, handling corporate bureaucracy, eating SPAM, or communicating with a significant other. It’s easy to over-analyze these circumstances because they’re very common sources of stress for people today (who cares what’s in SPAM, people, it tastes delicious!), but concede and accept to empower yourself. Por ejemple:

High-maintenance “friend” arguing that you’re selfish for not always choosing them over other friends or family? 

Rather than getting into an argument or letting them push you around, accept that you won’t ever convince them otherwise. Tell them that you’re sorry that they feel that way (classic fake apology), you value them as a friend and hope that they’ll eventually understand. Then go and do your own thing. In their head, they “won” the argument…until they realize that they’re all alone and start thinking about what a great friend you are.

 

Someone hating on your appetite for SPAM?

Let them talk shit about the ingredients all they want. Don’t try to argue with them, it’s not glamorous and definitely composed of processed meat particles, but serve the doubter(s) a fresh SPAM musubi. Make them pay for the next few cans of deliciousness.

Having trouble understanding why your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife is feeling, thinking, & acting a certain way?

You know that arguing will get you nowhere (and definitely no sexy time), so stop trying to understand their rationale and just accept it. Your willingness to accept their argument without protest instantly transforms you from a stubborn asshole into an understanding and loving partner. Brown chicken brown cow.

Go forth. Godspeed, Blufgan, and all hail Xanthia.

4 out of 5 experts agree that perception trumps reality 5 out of 4 times. The 5th expert appears to be playing the role of devil’s advocate, but they really just don’t care. Perception’s power can be difficult to manage when mishandled. You and I have both lived out one of many cliches at some point–you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, the grass ain’t always greener on the other side, don’t judge a book by its cover, it’s the same shit but a different smell–so no one’s the exception.

Growing up, looking cool gets you into the carpool lane towards popularity, carrying the stigma of being all glitz and glamour and discarding any notion that it isn’t. Drinking the corporate kool-aid and “managing up” lets you climb the career ladder quickly because your manager’s manager’s manager doesn’t have the time to care about your actual performance. More commonly, this phenomenon weighs heavily in the world of dating. For instance, flirting too much gets you labeled a slut. Flirting too little gets you labeled a prude. Being too nice tags you as a pushover. Being too much of an asshole tags you as…well, an asshole. So how can we best navigate this tangled web to put ourselves in the most advantageous position for successful sexy time? By mastering the art of your impressions…which can often start (and sometimes end) with your Facebook profile.

Facebook 102: Perception Optimization

What you see is rarely what you get when stalking people on “the book.” Profiles are just billboards used to illustrate how one person’s life appears more sexy, funny, exciting, expensive, & interesting than yours. It doesn’t matter if it really is, just as long as it appears that way. It’s also a tool for others to keep tabs on what you’re doing, where you’re at, and who you’re with. You reap what you sow, so take note…

Profile Information:

Who Cares: Those that want to know if you’re single. They’ll look for that infamous Relationship Status label.

What to Consider: Don’t lie about where you work or where you went to school, someone will call you out. The more “quotes” that you include only makes your profile too tedious to look at. Also, be aware of the repercussions associated with the “In a relationship with _____” status, because if/when that name changes, everyone will know.

Who Doesn’t Care: Everyone else. Seriously.

Picture Uploads/Tagged Photos:

Who Cares: If you’re posting remotely enticing/intriguing pics, almost everyone will at least skim over whatever you upload. Spice up the title of your album or add some witty captions to mobile uploads because you’ll be judged on what you choose to share and how you do it.  You lose points if the picture is lame or the captions unfunny. Also, anyone that wants to get weird with you will definitely check out posted pictures.

What to Consider: If you’re heterosexual and single, be cautious when posting pictures of you and one other person of the opposite sex. Your posture, expressions, perceived physical contact, attire…it’s all being critiqued. Make sure the other person is good-looking to raise your stock…at least a “7.” Don’t post pics of you making out with random people, that’s not classy. Smile in your pictures, it’s better than trying to look tough. We all know that you’re not. However, if you’re sporting the same smile in every single picture, that’s boring. You’ll come off as too contrived and fake, and no one likes to look at the pics that you think you look best in, we want to see embarrassing or funny stuff.  Also, beware the “deja vu” or “time machine” effect that occurs when you wear a noticeable shirt/accessory too often, causing it to transcend the FB photo timeline. It’s not a deal-breaker, but just know that we’ll notice.

Who Doesn’t Care: If your pictures are lame, then the answer is “everyone.” Otherwise, it’s really just the Haters-those jealous that they can’t travel with you, eat like you, look like you, or hang out with hot people like you do.

Your Wall Posts/Check-ins:

Who Cares: Anyone that hasn’t hid you from their Newsfeed yet: romantic interests, friends, stalkers and parents because they’re all wondering where (and with who) you’d rather be spending your time instead of them.

What To Consider: For check-ins: You’ll automatically be linked to whomever you tag or are tagged with at some place. If you don’t want people to know that you’re on a date, abuse the Tag Friends With You feature and add some phantom attendees. If you don’t want your boss to know that you’re not really sick on a Friday, avoid being checked at the sports bar. If you’re not really doing anything but don’t want to appear like a lame lazy-ass, tell friends to check you in where they are. No one will really know/care to verify it, but the fact that your Activity Log has recent updates is enough to make it appear that you do shit and have actual friends. For Wall Posts: It’s a way for others to stake claim on you. Inside jokes posted on your Wall, cryptic or flirtations emoticons, or a simple hello can be derived a number of ways. Even the subtle “Like” button won’t go unnoticed. So be aware of who is trying to mark their territory, and be aware that others will know if you’re trying to mark them as your territory.

Who Doesn’t Care: Those that hid you from their Newsfeed…and there are plenty.

If you’re in America and participate in the rat race, you’ll pay taxes and ultimately be judged by Uncle Sam. Nobody wants to get audited by the IRS because you know that whatever they find will likely get you into trouble. They’ll stalk every 1099, W-2, 151, KT-22 or whatever else form and penalize you for any flaws and/or omissions not covered in your initial filing. Working adults should know this already (unless you’re Wesley Snipes) and minimize their exposure to an audit by running a fine-toothed comb through their earnings before letting the IRS take their crack at it. Get it? Got it? Good.

If you’re in the FB game, your pictures and posts will be stalked by your “Friends.” However, knowing that you’ll be audited (and ultimately judged) by coworkers, relatives, love interests, and relative strangers is half the battle. You also have to understand that whatever they find will directly influence their perceptions, regardless of what reality or your initial impression may have been. Unfortunately, some Fecesbookers unwittingly expose themselves to ridicule, rumors, and possibly lost opportunities by not knowing exactly what others are seeing on their page. People that really care about what’s on your Facebook pose real threats to you on several levels. Bottom Line: audit your damn Facebook.

Facebook 101: Audit

Your Profile
Interests, quotes, networks, fan pages…they’re all fair game but have minimal impact on the overall FB effect. Try to avoid advertising anything too disturbing (ie. Jane is a member of the Cannibals in America Network) or putting a ton of pretentious quotes up. In all honesty, you do a lot more harm than good when you have too much information in these sections. Why? Because words aren’t as interesting as…

Your Photos -  Let’s be real here. Every “Friend” will creep through your pictures at some point, so it’s important to know who sees what. These categories will help explain the urgency of a proper FB audit.

• Relatives: Declining a friend request from family is a dickish move, regardless of the frequency that you’ve seen or talked to them. But now that parents are starting to create profiles, it’s mandatory to control what they can see. A dad doesn’t want to know that his daughter was a slutty mouse for Halloween or that his son dresses in drag (we know, it was only one time, whatever). Your 12-year old cousin shouldn’t know that either. Anyway, do the needful and check for offensive evidence of your irresponsibility.

• Coworkers: It’s healthy to keep your work and personal life completely separate. However, at some point coworkers will eventually request to ADD you as a friend…especially if you’re attractive and of the opposite sex. If you do decide to add them, scan and delete/untag anything from college (keg stands, drunk eyes, bong hits, Sharpie tattoos, and anything from Spring Break 20XX). Your daily chat logs and browser history are incriminating enough, don’t give them additional reasons to question your professional credibility.

• Strangers (they’re not your friends if you’ve hung out with them once): We won’t get into how adding someoneafter meeting them once is irresponsible and narcissistic, but we’ll focus on the reason that they’d request you so quickly– THEY WANT TO CREEP. I don’t have actual statistics, but I’m willing to bet an Al Pastor super burrito with extra avocado from Taqueria Cancun [wink] that 98% of these Friend Requests are from horny dudes requesting to “Friend” an attractive female. Trust me, the only goal is to check you out without the risk of appearing creepy by staring at you in person. If you don’t care to stalk back, then DECLINE the friend request. However, if you’re mutually intrigued, then ADD away as we segue…

• Romantic interests: Facebook has added new dimensions to dating. Your profile page is a resume, a background check, and a personality assessment all rolled up into one overstuffed burrito of perception. Who do you hang out with? Are they good-looking? What do you enjoy doing? Who do you enjoy doing those things with? More importantly…Do you still have pictures of/with your ex posted? If you do, why? Is your ex good-looking? Are you still “Friends” with your ex? Do they actively “Like” and write on your wall? It’s your own bizarro and wicked web that you don’t want to get caught in, but easily avoidable once you’re aware of it. There’s no harm in leaving your historical bang buddy(ies) out of your FB photo mosaic, especially if they’re either extraordinarily ugly or hot. They’re your ex for a reason, so you don’t want to let them influence a prospective party’s perceptions. It’s a lose-lose situation that can breed insecurity and doubt. Keep some mystery about your past mistakes, it’ll give the two of you something interesting to, you know, talk about.

Contact Me for some Fecesbook auditing services. $20 flat-rate fee, and I promise not to stalk you….pFFFFFFFt