I had my first girlfriend in the 3rd grade (1991), who dumped me after four torridly passionate weeks for this mysterious guy “Jeff.” He turned out to be Patrick Muldoon’s college-boy character who stole Kelly away from Zack and then subsequently cheated on her during his 3-episode stint on Saved By the Bell in 1991. So I got dumped for a TV character (she officially admitted to it years later), but it was my brilliant and hilarious introduction to women and their phenomenally complex psyches. 

We eventually got back together in the 8th grade, after she had matured.

Eat a D*ck, Muldoon.

The Full Version:

I was in the 3rd grade and I had finally got the girl that I had been chasing for two years. It was a blissful two weeks in 1991, finally “going around” with ‘Liz’ after waiting out her two previous boytoys, Daniel (from 1st Grade) and Felipe, a Colombian import two years older than every other 2nd grader. We shared donut holes while on a field trip to the San Antonio Symphony, sat next to each other at Friday mass so that we could hold hands during the Our Father, and she might have even kissed me on the cheek…I’m not quite sure, it was one of those barely-there-it-might-have-just-been-her-breath kisses.

So what went wrong? Well, a few days before our three week-iversary, I suddenly got the cold shoulder from her while trying to give her a romantic note scribbled on a scrap of notebook paper. That’s right, the drama started early for me. After some half-hearted prodding to her friends, I discovered to my chagrin that another man had entered the picture. “Who?!” I wondered, since there were only 11 guys in the class, and I was definitely the hottest one of the bunch. The rest of the girls (all 4 of them) confirmed it was neither a guy in the class nor the school. After some more pestering, Liz finally told me that his name was “Jeff,” and that he was an older, more mature boy that wanted to be with her. Now, being in the 3rd grade and at a private school, it doesn’t take a scientist to figure out that a kid’s social life doesn’t extend far from the classroom. I promptly pointed this out to her, proceeded to call her a butt-wipe, and acted as close to a douchebag as I probably could have at 9 years old when she offered no explanation. I shut doors in her face and told others that she smelled like farts. Welcome to heartbreak.

Two days after my first devastating dumpage, I heard some playground chatter from the 4th grade girls (my older brother’s class) about how cute “Jeff” was. Naturally, this piqued my curiosity. I mean, how the hell did they know “Jeff”? After strategically working my way into the conversation, I nonchalantly asked, “So who’s this Jeff guy that all the girls are talking about?”…

Well it turned out that Season 3, Episode 1 of Saved by the Bell had premiered three days prior. For fellow SBTB fans, S3 Ep 1 is the “Zack and Kelly Last Dance” episode, characterized by both a Slater/Jessie duet of a Michael Bolton classic and, most importantly, Kelly Kapowski dumping Zack in favor of her older, more mature college student manager at The Max…Jeff “College Guy” Hunter, played so convincingly by the dashing, Patrick Muldoon.

There was no way that this was the “Jeff”, I told myself. I didn’t want to believe that the girl I had been chasing for two years was an idiot. Well, I was wrong, she admitted that it was the very same guy. I gave her shit for the next 4 years, until the start of 8th grade when she suddenly showed up with breasts, at which point all was forgiven/forgotten.

Panama in 5W, buckle up.

this guy:

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