Sitting B!tch

…throw them back and yell “What the fuck?!” I honestly haven’t had the balls to try this method yet, but so far my attempts to make the figurative lemonade have resulted in watered-down, house-branded lemonish-flavored sports drink that tastes like doodoo water filtered through the dirty diaper of an asparagus-loving baby….[Insert vivid mental image here].

While overseas in SE Asia, I was told on two separate occasions by two different people that ordinary aspects of my daily life were the equivalent of their lifelong dreams. The first man, Jojo, is a 28-year old tricycle taxi driver in the Philippines. He has two children and a loving wife. They live under a bridge in a makeshift shack along with several other families, but you’d never know it by his mastery of the English language, knowledge of the past and present NBA players, his opinions on democracy in the Philippines or on the struggling global economy. My friend and I were volunteering at a build site for Gawad Kalinga, and Jojo is a beneficiary of one of the 150 homes that will be built for the people in the area. He was eternally grateful for our time and loved that we loved visiting the Philippines. He said that he loves the US and it’s his lifelong dream to visit, but that he’d have to live through what he sees on TV and the movies since “the states” are just a fantasy for people like him. So, despite all of our own daily complaining, we’re actually living the dreams of thousands of others. Go figure. The other guy, Norman, is the driver of one of my aunts. He told me that his dream was to visit Boracay Beach…as he drove me to the airport for my flight to Boracay. Sometimes you’re an asshole even when you try not to be.

Are farts grosser than burps? Burps can often smell pretty rancid, and it’s coming from the mouth. At least you expect farts to stink since they’re coming from your ass. I still give farts an edge in grossness, but I’m one halitosis encounter away from changing sides.

If you have an “innie” belly button, do you remember to clean it regularly while in the shower? If not, you should.

Yes,  I went to WonderCon.  I spent $12 to go see washed up actors sitting at empty booths waiting for rabid costumed fans to pay $35 for a signed photo of them in their glory days.  That $12 also got me into a few film panels (Alien Trespass, Star Trek, 9) which I must admit was kind of fun.   But because I know most people don’t give a flying fuck about WonderCon, I’ll just give some of the highlights:

Best Dressed Nerd:  A dude was uncannily identifiable as Simon Pegg from “Hot Fuzz.”  The only break in his character was his 6 year-old son standing nervously by his side.

Worst Dressed Nerd:  A girl dressed as Princess Amidala (Natalie Portman) from Star Wars … I think.  Maybe she was supposed to be Princess Leia.  My confusion is a result of this nerd being way to old to be wearing such a scandily clad costume.  Her midriff was NOT slim and her legs were NOT young…but that did not stop swarms of horny fans from forming a circle around her and taking pictures.

Best Moment:  Elijah Wood on the “9″ film panel exclaiming, “I’m excited for the ’9′ figurines to come out.  I’m a toy dork!”

Worst Moment:  See…Worst Dressed Nerd above.

Biggest Surprise:  That dude that played Jaws in the 1970′s James Bond films is still alive!

Worst Surprise:   Ray Park didn’t show up at his booth.  He was scheduled to attend another convention at a Scottish Center in Sacramento.  That dude owes me an email!

Well, that’s about it.

See what I saw:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/wondercon_2009/pictures/slideshow/49.php#highlighted_picture