Archive for May, 2009


Monday, May 11th, 2009

Big Swingin’ Dicks rule this world, you may just not know it yet.

How do you become one? You must have that innate badass factor. However, you can’t earn BSD status by just a few instances of sicknastiness. You must possess the skills to impress both ladies and guys simultaneously without earning the douche bag card. You must be lazy and indifferent, yet inexplicably successful.

Some of today’s BSDs include: Paul Rudd… I stopped there because, you guessed it, this is just an ode to Paul Rudd. I may or may not have a man-crush on him. He’s got that “fuckit” attitude. His past roles have been thoroughly impressive: slayed his hot step-sister in 1995, almost bedded (but not really) Juliet in a Shakespearean remake in ’96, got freaky-deaky with Phoebe from ’02-’04, unleashed Sex Panther in ’04, played a hilarious asshole dad and husband in ’07, stole scenes while surfing stoned AND bagged Liz Banks despite driving a Minotaur in ’08, slapped deh bass in ’09…I could go on for days if I checked his IMDB page. Either way, Paul Rudd is today’s BSD, the anti-Alpha male that gets his by doing the absolute minimum. The man has admittedly lost a few points for some past roles, but I’m not gonna bother trying to think of them. Why? Cuz you don’t doubt a BSD, you party with him.

“What about Chuck Norris?”, some may ask? Yes, what about him? In response to some top Chuck Norris Facts, I present some Rudd Rebutts:

1) If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
If you have five dollars, Paul Rudd will bum it off of you.
2) There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Paul Rudd’s computer because he stepped on his keyboard while shitfaced.
3) Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Paul Rudd uses bittorrent.
4) Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Paul Rudd sneezes on your shirt sleeve.
5) Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
Paul Rudd eats Doritos, original Lays suck.
6) Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Paul Rudd spaces out.
7) Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Paul Rudd failed chemistry.
8) Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Paul Rudd can get stoned with one bird. Think about it.

Paul Rudd: BSD
paul rudd
This pic is pretty homo-erotic…but is it too homo-erotic? – Probably…Count it! [Sydney Dean jumpshot follow-through]