Sitting B!tch

After several field-tested runs of eating heaping portions of grapes (frozen, because they’re more fun to eat that way), scientific evidence suggests that they cause gas. The silver lining of this cloud (pun intended)? The majority of the emissions didn’t really stink.

Similarly, sustaining a fart over any extended period of time–I’d say 2 seconds–is really fun. I gave this a go at work today and unofficially clocked my toot at ~5 seconds–full disclosure: I was pooping at the time. You should probably only attempt this feat while making the doo since it requires some rhythmic push/pinch techniques, lest you want to risk skidding your underpants. On any note, 5 seconds was pretty easy to reach when you’re fully relaxed and sitting on one of the fancy electronic toilets from Japan (heated seats, front/rear bidet action, warm air dryer, etc).

Farting at work should be more acceptable, especially in corporate America. People are already so uptight about climbing the ladder, not getting canned, and avoiding sexual harassment lawsuits that being able to pass gas without remorse would definitely increase employee satisfaction. At the very least, you should try and make it into a game–see who can make the loudest rip without it being noticed, who can crop dust the largest surface area, etc. One day I was leaving my obese cubicle (or “bullpen,” as they like to call it in corporate talk) when a female coworker came barreling around the corner. Rather than throwing a forearm shiver to the jugular, I opted to plant ‘n juke out of the way. On any given day that move would have gone through without consequence, but that particular day I was on my way to drop a deuce. As a result, the Barry Sanders-esque move caused me to force-fart something reminiscent of tearing a sheet of paper out of a spiral notebook–before the era of perforated pages, of course. Now, I know she heard it, but she opted to ignore the fact that I had just ripped ass and quietly returned to her nook. I laughed, and my male coworker nearby did, too. We were easily happier in that moment and the 15 minutes following it when we kept laughing about it. Let’s get real–farts are funny 98% of the time, so why ignore them? They’re simply burps in the southern hemisphere. I’ve heard/smelled some burps before that have been dismissed simply because the culprit says, “Oh, excuse me…”. If you’ve ever smelled a hummus/falafel burp or anything dealing with cumen, onions, garlic, cheese, and/or eggs, you know how much nastier burps can be.

Life’s too short to keep bitching all the time, do a jig.

Q: What’s wrong with this picture?

A: Absolutely nothing.